Trust The Man In The Cape

As Jerry Seinfeld so profoundly stated, "For us guys, being a superhero is not a fantasy; it's an option." Having watched many superhero cartoons and movies in my lifetime, I have come to the conclusion that there are people out there that have superpowers, and that aside from being born with powers the most likely way to get superpowers is to be exposed to radiation. Daredevil, the Incredible Hulk, and the Fantastic Four are just a few of the many who gained their fabulous powers this way.

You can probably understand my excitement, then, when I found out that I would have the opportunity to undergo radiation therapy for the brain tumor I had surgically removed six months ago. Today was that lucky day.

The preparation was a little strange but well worth it, considering the possible outcome. The neurologist, radiation oncologist, and physicist collectively numbed my face, punctured four holes in my head, and screwed on a metal frame that went around my head. Once the frame was firmly latched to my head, they proceeded to place different-shaped helmets to my head. I don’t know if my superhuman identity will have a helmet, but if it does I’ll definitely make it less bulky and awkward than the ones I wore today.

I was then shoved into an uncomfortable machine involving loud banging and other strange noises, but I hardly noticed any of the inconveniences because I was too caught up thinking about the possibilities of powers I might get. If I had my choice it would be the ability to read minds and the power to fly. I thought about the power to be taller, but that just seemed a little too unrealistic, and there would be no way to hide my identity.

Finally, the three doctors put a strainer-shaped contraption on my head and sent me into the radiation machine, which looks like a human incinerator. Fifteen minutes later they pulled me out, unscrewed my head frame using an industrial strength power drill that they probably bought at Home Depot, and sent me on my way.

I got my first superpower almost immediately – the ability to get a massive headache - although I noticed I was able to use my newly-acquired super strength… Tylenol to get it under control. My other abilities may take some time to manifest themselves, and I'm willing to be patient. But in the near future if you see a man running around in a cape, there is a good chance it will be me, so just smile and trust that everything is under control.

I'm No Happy Gilmore

My boss recently has been kind enough to pay for golf lessons for me and a few of my coworkers. I’m actually pretty excited about the prospect of not sucking so bad at golf.

Right now my handicap is around 100, which basically means I have no idea what a handicap is in golf and how it is determined. But I’m sure they originally came up with the name after watching someone like me. I was videotaped during my second lesson, and if I had to critique my swing, I would say that I looked like I was having a weird seizure while holding a shiny metal object. My instructor was a little kinder than that and tried to point out the few good things I did, bless his heart.

During the third lesson, my coworkers were competing to see who could hit the ball the farthest. Not to be outdone, I pulled out my driver and gave it a mighty swing. The next thing I remember, everyone at the driving range was instructed to stop while I ran out to the 100 foot mark to pick up my driver head. I was still proud of the fact that it went 100 feet, which is farther than any of the balls I hit.

At the rate I’m going, it should only take about ten years before I’m good enough to play in public with other people. I can’t wait.