Love Boat

This past week I went on my first-ever cruise with a group of 300 Mormon singles to the Virgin Islands. Things I learned / observed:

1. Having lots of gas isn't always bad - On the way to the airport my ride ran out of gas for the first time in his life (or so he says). We still made our flight, but it definitely made the car ride to the airport more exciting.
   
2. Wet blankets don’t always spoil a party – I did a Bioluminescent Kayaking excursion in Puerto Rico. We were supposed to see the lake light up with little glowing plankton, but thanks to the full moon and recent rain you couldn’t see anything. However, the tour guides were kind enough to cover us up with large, wet tarps that allowed us to see the glowing plankton if we stuck our hand in the shark-infested water. The tour guides also told me to stop calling it shark-infested water.
3. Everything can be fun – According to the Cruise director, everything we do on a cruise is fun. The fun shows, the fun days at sea, the fun buffets, the fun drunk people, etc… I think I even had fun while I was sleeping.
4. Working out is overrated – I only worked out once all week, and I still had just as much success with the ladies as I always do.
5. Chili cheese fries are delicious, even when you have them every day
6. Monica Lewinsky is an ass – My friend Sara paid $2 in St. Thomas to sit on a donkey named Monica Lewinsky. We all got a picture with her. It was a special moment for all of us.
7. Not everyone should cut a rug – Sometimes the music just moves me and I have no choice, but I really should resist the urge to step onto the dance floor. I look like a clown with big shoes and an oversized diaper. I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m sure you’d understand if you saw me try to dance.
8. Ten-year olds have got nothin’ on me – Much like a ten year old, I still have a tendency to tell and laugh at poop jokes, repeat the same things over and over to annoy people, and take ridiculous pictures both with my camera and with any random stranger’s camera that happened to be left unattended. But unlike a ten year old, I’m tall enough to ride the water slide and I can steal their ice cream cone if I want.
9. “No Child Left Behind” doesn’t apply on a cruise – I went 4-wheeling around the island of St. Maarten with a group of people from the cruise. My ATV got me back to the cruise ship in time, but four of my cruise buddies almost missed the cruise ship because their 4-wheeler broke down on the other end of the island. I was so nervous for them that I had the waiter bring me seconds of my breaded chicken, potato salad, and strawberry cheesecake with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
10. It doesn’t pay to fake it – I decided to fake bake for the first time in my life so that when I got onto my cruise ship I wouldn’t fry. Mission accomplished! The only bad news was that I burned twice using the tanning bed before the trip ever started, which meant that I had to admit to people that I was using a tanning bed. And on a completely unrelated note, I’d like to thank the guy at the front desk of the tanning salon who decided how long to bake me each time. Maybe next time I do that I should go to a salon that isn’t called “Tan”.
11. Not everyone looks good in a suit – I learned that some people don’t need alcohol to put their birthday suit on and streak across the main deck - to the horror and amazement of the unsuspecting victims.
12. Nothing says America like John Denver – On the last day of our cruise, the crewmembers sang a heartwarming rendition of “Leaving On a Cruise Ship” to the tune of “Leaving on a Jet Plane”. While they were singing it, one of the crewmembers dressed up as the Statue of Liberty, which totally makes sense.
13. Hulk need food and sleep or he smash things – On the final day of the cruise, me and my cabinmates woke up late while everyone else was disembarking. One cabinmate thought that if we didn’t get off in time we might go to prison. While I didn’t completely buy into that theory, I did hurry off the ship without eating breakfast. The rest of the day was a little fuzzy, but I think at some point I bit someone’s hand, yelled at an old lady, and ate part of a plastic bag. The details are a little hazy.
14. Chicks dig a guy with a great personality – I saw this guy with a great personality get a lot of chicks. It was quite a sight.
15. I'm not a butterfly - One of the guys on the ship told me to select the girls I liked and then "cocoon" them. I don't really know what that means but it sounds awesome.
    
16. The party never ends – Almost a week later, I still feel like I’m rocking back and forth. I actually fell into someone at work a few days ago. They just thought I was retarded, even after I explained that I still had sealegs.
17. Love is easy to find – I definitely found love on this trip. I fell in love with non-stop buffets, people who can throw down a mean karaoke song, and being lazy. Because of this I can definitely call this trip a success.