Expertise

There's a book that claims that if you do something for 10,000 hours you will most likely be an expert at it. As I was pondering this concept I drank some water and in the process spilled some on my shirt. I have since determined that this claim is false.

Gimme Some Sugar

Right now I'm sitting in my room wondering why I am listening to Sugar Ray's new album "Music for Cougars". I'm not exactly sure if that title implies that this music is appealing to wildlife or if they are just trying to reach out to their old fan base - most of whom would now be older women. There's a better chance that it was meant for the former, since I can't honestly believe that even desperate cougars would really enjoy this new attempt to become relevant again in the pop music scene. All one has to do is listen to the painfully bad lyrics and melody of "Girls Were Made To Love" to see why these guys aren't going platinum again anytime soon.

Back in the late 90's, I enjoyed the simple, poppy tunes created by Sugar Ray. I gladly overlooked the verifiable fact that Sugar Ray sold out from their original sound (To verify this, all one must do is listen to their original album "Floored" - which is comprised of one radio-friendly song and twelve mind-numbingly bad songs that couldn't even be considered people friendly - and comparing it with any track off of Sugar Ray's ensuing albums, which astonishingly sound almost exactly like the one good hit). One could argue that as they matured musically their hits became more tolerable. This argument would be flawed, mostly because Sugar Ray never achieved any kind of musical maturity that I am aware of, and that includes their latest attempt.

That said, I never cared much about relevancy in the pop music scene, which is why I still have them in my current playlist.

Man Crush

This morning on a radio morning show they radio personalities were calling their guy friends up and asking them who their non-sexual man-crushes would be if they had to choose. Answers such as Rick Fox, George Clooney, pre-crazy Tom Cruise, etc... were thrown out. With each new selection, I was getting more and more grossed out. Plus, they didn't choose Zach Efron, who would have been my pick.

Easter Fiesta

In America, Easter is typically a pretty mild, traditional holiday. Rather than going out on the town and getting sloppy drunk, people celebrate the resurrection of the Savior of the world with a little more reverence - by dressing up in bunny costumes, hiding colorful eggs, and searching for Easter baskets full of chocolates and nasty marshmallow peeps. Last year, my Easter celebration was much along these lines, except that my basket turned out to be a grocery bag full of veggie chips, health snacks, and women’s socks. It always seemed odd to me that we celebrate with bunnies and eggs – two things with very little correlation beyond the idea that one makes whoopee a lot and the other is the result of a lot of whoopee making.

On my trip to Boston over this Easter weekend, I learned that Mexicans celebrate Easter in a much different manner. I was exposed to my first Mexican Easter egg hunt, consisting of a hunt for egg-shaped mini piñatas filled with confetti that you find and smash over someone’s head. Apparently in Mexico they take the resurrection a little more seriously than us Americans.

Would You Rather

I've never really cared much for the "Would You Rather" game. For those who aren't familiar with this game, "Would You Rather" is played by simply presenting two ludicrous choices to someone and forcing them to pick one. Once they've made their choice, they present an equally challenging set of choices right back at you. This game goes on and on for hours of fun until everyone is out of questions or until someone "would rather" play something else, which usually happens within the first few minutes. Not only do I have a difficult time determining any logical basis behind any of my answers (including my decision to agree to hit every red light for the rest of my life rather than be wrong for the rest of my life and my decision to have a magnetized head rather than have my eyes glued shut), I'm not creative enough under pressure to pose any good questions.

That said, I was playing "Would You Rather" this morning and I came up with a great though-provoking question - "Would you rather have water leak through your ceiling directly onto your head at 3 AM the day you are planning to leave for vacation OR would you rather look like Colonel Sanders for the rest of your life?" As I lay in my bed this morning with water dripping on my face, I couldn't help but envy the Colonel.

Happy Anniversary

It's been one year since the birth and death of my brain tumor. I could spend this blog post dwelling on all the negative things that this tumor caused, such as the week I went completely blind, the actual brain surgery, the two months of recovery following my brain surgery, the permanent scar from the brain surgery, or the awkward catheter experience that required me to show off my 'special purpose' to various nurses and have one of them very painfully 'fix things'.

However, I am not one to typically speak ill of the dead. Therefore I will simply state that if it hadn't been for my tumor, I would never have been able to experience the joy of using a handicapped parking pass.

Happy anniversary!

Only 1,042 More Days Til London

I love the Olympics, but I'm not really sure why. It's almost like that bowl of mediocre candy on my desk that I can't stop eating even though it isn't that great, only in this case the mediocre candy was totally satisfying. That said, here are my top ten favorite things about the 2008 olympics:

1. Synchronized Swimming - When America did their routine, I stood up from my couch at home and clapped and hollered. It was such a silly event full of perma-grin smiles and coordinated feet swirling that I couldn't help but be entertained (at least for one performance). It was almost as good as Martin Short's SNL synchronized swimming skit with the life jacket. It was fantastic.
2. The 4x100 Freestyle - I can probably count on one finger the number of times I jumped out of my seat because I was nervous/excited about the way a swimming race was going to finish. Kudos to Lezak for beating out the smarmy French!
3. Michael Phelps - He may have won, but he obviously cheated. It's not fair to have a dolphin swimming against human.
4. Beating the Chinese in medal count - They may have technically won more gold medal events, but the USA is taking home more gold medals since many of our gold medals were in team events. Take that, cheaters!
5. Watching people get recognized for excellence in sports that probably have less than 50 competitors in the world, including such events as competitive Badminton, Ping Pong, Horse Dressing, Trampoline, Fencing (now called the Sabre event), Handball, and Thumb Wrestling.
6. Women's Hoola Hoop Gymnastics - Just kidding. I couldn't watch this. Too painful.
7. Realizing that little islands make you run fast, as demonstrated by Jamaica, Trinidad and Tobago, and Bermuda, who all had some of the fastest sprinters. And who ever thought a guy named 'Bolt' would actually grow up to be fast? That's like predicting that a guy named 'Toothache' would grow up to be a dentist or a guy named 'Shoemaker' would grow up to own a Chinese sweatshop.
8. Watching a scary looking American woman hurl a discus for the gold, beating out a scary looking Chinese woman and a scary looking Italian woman.
9. Watching our beloved USA basketball team finally take home the gold again.
10. Having something exciting to do every night for two weeks.

Bummin in So Cal

About a month ago while driving to Albertsons with a couple of homeless bums, I realized just how much we have in common. Just like these bums, I eat, drink, sleep, and use the bathroom. Unlike these bums, you can't smell which ones I have done the most recently.

I'm not typically the kind of guy to give rides to homeless people. In this case I happened to be watching a Muse live concert DVD at my house with a few friends of mine, and we were expecting more friends to join us. The lights were all off and I heard a knock at my door, so I yelled for my friends to come on in. The door opened and my supposed friend entered without saying a word. I began to wonder which friends of mine might on a given day possibly smell like beer and urine (I could only think of two, and they were not in town). I flipped on the light and found a homeless man standing in my living room. He asked for a ride to the store, and I obliged - mostly because as far as I know these bums have nothing better to do all day than to break into houses of people who don't give them rides to the store. When we got to the store, the bum offered me money for gas. I was tempted to take it just so I could cross "take money from a homeless man" off my bucket list, but I decided better of it.

Gymnausea

I went to the gym today as I normally do 2-3 times a week. Typically when I finish the weight-lifting portion of my workout, I complete my workout with at least thirty minutes on the exercise bike while I read a book - which is pretty much the only time I ever read a book.

Today was not typical. It was not because I was too tired or too lazy. In fact, I had plenty of energy and had my book in hand. I hopped on the bike and began cycling/reading. About ten minutes into my workout and only part way through the chapter, my nose suddenly curled up and I could barely breathe. I am pretty sure I went in and out of consciousness at least twice. There was a slight haze between me and my book, rendering me physically and mentally unable to continue to read.

It didn't take me long to realize why my body was swiftly shutting down. A fellow gym member, completely drenched in sweat and emitting a gnarly odor, had hopped on the bike next to me. To keep from dry heaving in public, falling lifeless to the floor, and then experiencing uncontrollable seizures, I mustered all the strength I had left, slid off my bike, and dragged myself to the men's locker room where (sadly) the air was fresher.I understand that people sweat at the gym. I have no problem with this. But I think it should be mandatory for all gyms to have some kind of offense-o-meter, and if a person's stank registers above the breathable imit, they are immediately escorted off the premises.

Independence Day Eve

On the eve of the anniversary of this great nation's independence, and in anticipation of the parade celebrating our nation's independence, I had the great and mighty responsibility of ensuring that my borders were protected from outsiders who might try to infiltrate and ultimately settle on my lawn for the duration of the parade.

According to the city of Huntington Beach, the morning of July 3 at 7 AM is the earliest anyone is allowed to claim a spot on main street for the 4th of July parade. You might think that this a morning where everyone would feel the comradery and spirit of unity that joined this nation together, that we would all be laughing and shaking hands and getting excited together about the upcoming festivities. Instead, everyone acts like it is the Oklahoma Sooners rush. With their stakes in hand, the masses of people are crowding each other out and just waiting until the whistle blows to drive the stakes into the strips of land on Main Street that they want to claim for the parade. I watched as a cop broke up an argument across the street that took place because a girl was sitting under a tree that belonged to a neighbor who wanted the spot for the parade, and the girl had gotten there before 7 AM. That cop laughed and told me that the 5th of July couldn't come soon enough. Another cop lady with a heavy smokers voice and the meanest scowl I've ever seen drove by and yelled at people. I think she was just trying to make sure we were all miserable in preparation for the 4th.

My initial reaction was to shake my head and look down upon all these people for their petty skirmishes and selfish behavior, believing that they were all acting childish and unpatriotic. But then I asked myself, "what would the founding fathers do if they were here?" If I remember correctly, they all fought and yelled at each other up until the last second before the Declaration of Independence was signed. Therefore, it only makes sense that they would probably be protesting and making a scene in the same manner as my neighbors. I was immediately filled with a sense of pride and patriotism as I knocked over the chairs and pulled out the stakes of the people next to me. Happy Independence Day!

My Car, The Hero

A car oftentimes resembles its owner, but not always. It isn't usually a conscious decision for a person to choose a car that represents him/her; an owner in many cases will just naturally gravitate towards the car that fits their personality. For instance, a superficial person will usually ride around in a flashier car, a frugal (or cheap) person will most likely drive an economic car, and a redneck will feel most at home when cruising around in an El Camino or a broken down school bus (or maybe a mobile home, although that may be considered more of a hybrid car). I have an Infiniti G35, and while we both possess a sleak, sexy exterior and a lot of amazing features, I have had my doubts about whether my car does me justice. This past weekend at a beach house in La Jolla, CA my doubts were put to rest.

This weekend I drove my car down to La Jolla to reunite with some college friends along with their significant others, kids, etc... As the weekend drew to a close, I along with three of my friends, the wife of one of my friends, and my friend's one-year old baby decided to go to the beach one last time. After showing off my mad boogie boarding skills to the amazement of those around me, I decided to take a breather and headed for the shore. As I reached my towel, my friend's wife approached me without her baby and in a state of complete hysteria, screaming for me to get our group out of the water and head home immediately. I had no idea where her baby was, and internally I began to panic.

After getting everyone out of the water, she informed us that the baby was safely in the house. This calmed me down until she explained that she had just witnessed our friend's five-year-old inadvertently slip and fall 25 feet from the second-story balcony onto the driveway below. A fall like that could have had very tragic results. As luck would have it, however, a knight in shining silver armor arrived in the nick of time and reached out its hood to catch the little tyke, breaking his fall and allowing him to escape the whole incident with only a few minor scrapes and bruises and a night in the Emergency Room.
My car sacrificed life and limb (and dented hood) for the life of another. It did exactly what I would have done if I were a big metal machine that had been sitting in the driveway for hours upon end in exactly the same spot all day. And it occurred to me at that moment that my car and I weren't so different after all.

Pappy's Day

Being Father's Day, I felt it would be appropriate to reflect on some experiences I've had with big poppa that show off his fatherly qualities. I've listed the first five qualities that came to my mind as I was writing this.
1. Love for Others - When I was probably six or seven, my family visited either an old folks home or a mental hospital, I’m not sure which. An old crazy man gestured to me to sit on his lap, but I cowered back and hugged my dad’s leg. Instead of saving me from the old guy, my dad pried me off of his leg and stuck me on the man’s lap. While my dad's intentions were good, to this day I am still traumatized by the memories of the old guy squeezing the life out of my little, fragile frame as he mumbled some gibberish over the top of my blood-curdling screams. Because of that, to this day I’m a little skittish about visiting nursing homes, mental hospitals, and old people farms. So if you ask or even beg me to do service of this nature and I turn you down, just blame my father. That's not what I do, but it might make you feel better about being rejected to your face.

2. Ability to Teach Us the Danger of Tattling - My parents gave me my first driving lesson at the ripe old age of six. We were on our way to church and all the kids were told to get in the car. I hopped into the drivers seat and shifted the gear into Neutral. As the Bronco rolled backwards out of the driveway and into the street, my older brother Lanny heroically sprung out of the car, rolling on the ground to slow himself down. He ran inside and alerted my parents, who were on their way out. By the time my dad walked outside and saw what had happened, he got so upset and caught off guard that he spanked Lanny, which settled him down enough to forgo the spanking and instead give me a lecture all the way to church. I'm still trying to decide who got it the worst.

3. Happiness in Modest Living - I had the opportunity a few years ago to sit in courtside seats with my dad at a Jazz game. After the fancy buffet we were escorted down to our prime seating area. We enjoyed seeing the game up close, and at the same time learned how fun it can be to look down on all the pitiful regular fans that don't have special seats. What a bunch of losers!

4. Work Ethic - One of my favorite things to do as a kid was to wake up on Saturday morning and watch cartoons such as Smurfs, Transformers, and other great shows. On many occasions pappy would walk into the TV room and see that we "weren't doing anything", and then direct us to prepare for a day in the sun. We'd proceed to go outside and work in the yard for the remainder of the day. But what really sticks out to me is that of all the times we worked in the yard, he never once complained about missing out on all the great cartoons.

5. Ability to Expound on the Truths of Life - Daddeo has always been a fountain of wisdom. All growing up I found myself taking to heart all the things that he said. As I got older, I realized he was just quoting movie lines. I have always taken comfort in the fact that he raised me with Hollywood values and at the same time helped me gain an appreciation for movies and TV.

In addition to the qualities mentioned above, I probably could mention how he walked to work when we lived in Alaska so we could have a car to take us to school, or how he has always provided enough money so that my mom didn't have to work. But for the sake of time and interest I will leave it at those five for now. And dad, I wrote this post because "I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed." (Quote courtesy of Princess Bride, circa 1987). Happy Father's Day.

What Everyone Looks For In A Drink

When deciding on a tasty beverage to drink, we all consider the taste, the price, and of course, the drinkability. There is nothing worse than going to the store to buy a drink and finding out that it is not very drinkable. That's why I'm glad that I saw the commercial for Miller Lite (or maybe it was Budweiser or Coors, I can never remember). I learned that not only does it taste good, it has great drinkability. I wish more products were as specific as this in their commercials. I'm always looking for a shirt with great wearability or a chair with great sitability. Maybe I'll go get one of these drinkable drinks while I come up with examples that don't suck quite so bad.

Mountain Magic

An amusement park can be magical place. I'm not necessarily talking about Disneyland. I have nothing specifically against Disneyland, and it's a fine place to go if I've got nothing else to do. (Of course, it seems that most of the things I have done in my life have happened as a result of me deciding I had nothing better to do at the moment, so maybe that's not a very convincing argument). The magic for me at an amusement park is derived from the rush of the rides, the rush of eating a burger for three times its value, the rush of waiting in line for hours next to people that smell like mushrooms, and the rush of building a closer relationship with my phone. That's right. My phone. Magic Mountain last weekend provided me with all of these things, something Disneyland has never done.
At the beginning of the day, I experienced the Screamer ride with all its loopdy loops and silly twists. Since there was no line yet, my group decided to stay in our seats and ride it a second time. As our seats slowly clicked to the top of the ride, I realized my shorts had freed my cell phone from my pocket. I immediately mourned its loss by cursing the ride, my shorts, and my sorry life. As the roller coaster car clicked closer and closer to the top, the annoying people in the seats behind started yelling at me. I was about to curse them too, but then I realized they were shouting that my cell phone was wedged underneath a bar behind my seat, hanging on for dear life (bless its little heart).

Due to the constraints of the seats, I was unable to see behind me. I reached behind me quickly but could not locate it. With time running out and the car clicking to the top, I felt like the guy on the TV show that opens the ticking case and finds a bomb with ten seconds left and then somehow miraculously locates a pair of wire cutters that he just happened to be carrying and cuts the green wire (which just happens to be the correct wire even though everyone told him to cut the red wire). I decided to reach behind me again, this time using the force (and the shouts of the people behind me) to locate it. With less than twenty seconds left, I finally snatched my cell phone, saving it from a 30-foot drop that would have been its final resting place (since it seemed like nobody ever cleaned that part of the park). Then the ride stopped and the loudspeaker yelled at me for unbuckling my belt, which I did while I was panicking and cursing, even though it didn't help one bit to have it unbuckled. That kind of makes the story a little anti-climatic, but I learned a valuable lesson. It pays to curse when things aren't going your way. I'd like to say I learned not to take my phone for granted, but it would be hard to back that one up since I lost it again on another ride later in the day.

Trust The Man In The Cape

As Jerry Seinfeld so profoundly stated, "For us guys, being a superhero is not a fantasy; it's an option." Having watched many superhero cartoons and movies in my lifetime, I have come to the conclusion that there are people out there that have superpowers, and that aside from being born with powers the most likely way to get superpowers is to be exposed to radiation. Daredevil, the Incredible Hulk, and the Fantastic Four are just a few of the many who gained their fabulous powers this way.

You can probably understand my excitement, then, when I found out that I would have the opportunity to undergo radiation therapy for the brain tumor I had surgically removed six months ago. Today was that lucky day.

The preparation was a little strange but well worth it, considering the possible outcome. The neurologist, radiation oncologist, and physicist collectively numbed my face, punctured four holes in my head, and screwed on a metal frame that went around my head. Once the frame was firmly latched to my head, they proceeded to place different-shaped helmets to my head. I don’t know if my superhuman identity will have a helmet, but if it does I’ll definitely make it less bulky and awkward than the ones I wore today.

I was then shoved into an uncomfortable machine involving loud banging and other strange noises, but I hardly noticed any of the inconveniences because I was too caught up thinking about the possibilities of powers I might get. If I had my choice it would be the ability to read minds and the power to fly. I thought about the power to be taller, but that just seemed a little too unrealistic, and there would be no way to hide my identity.

Finally, the three doctors put a strainer-shaped contraption on my head and sent me into the radiation machine, which looks like a human incinerator. Fifteen minutes later they pulled me out, unscrewed my head frame using an industrial strength power drill that they probably bought at Home Depot, and sent me on my way.

I got my first superpower almost immediately – the ability to get a massive headache - although I noticed I was able to use my newly-acquired super strength… Tylenol to get it under control. My other abilities may take some time to manifest themselves, and I'm willing to be patient. But in the near future if you see a man running around in a cape, there is a good chance it will be me, so just smile and trust that everything is under control.

I'm No Happy Gilmore

My boss recently has been kind enough to pay for golf lessons for me and a few of my coworkers. I’m actually pretty excited about the prospect of not sucking so bad at golf.

Right now my handicap is around 100, which basically means I have no idea what a handicap is in golf and how it is determined. But I’m sure they originally came up with the name after watching someone like me. I was videotaped during my second lesson, and if I had to critique my swing, I would say that I looked like I was having a weird seizure while holding a shiny metal object. My instructor was a little kinder than that and tried to point out the few good things I did, bless his heart.

During the third lesson, my coworkers were competing to see who could hit the ball the farthest. Not to be outdone, I pulled out my driver and gave it a mighty swing. The next thing I remember, everyone at the driving range was instructed to stop while I ran out to the 100 foot mark to pick up my driver head. I was still proud of the fact that it went 100 feet, which is farther than any of the balls I hit.

At the rate I’m going, it should only take about ten years before I’m good enough to play in public with other people. I can’t wait.

Be The Pretzel

A number of my coworkers engage in the absurd practice of Yoga. Anytime the conversation around the office gravitates towards that subject, I refrain from making too many comments in order to hide my complete ignorance. As far as I know, Yoga consists of a bunch of men and women in eighties aerobic outfits twisting their bodies into unnatural positions while meditating and chanting Chinese anecdotes. Rather than take the time to figure out what it is all about, I have always chosen to take the high road, which consists of simply judging anyone who participates. Recently I convinced myself to give Yoga a shot purely to enlighten myself on the subject. As it turns out I was right all along. Throughout the hour-long class I was twisted like a pretzel while the Yoga instructor morphed into Confucius and began spewing forth Chinese proverbs and other words of wisdom. I faintly recall her saying “be excellent to each other” at some point. It was a pretty strange and awkward experience. I'll probably only go once or twice more... this week.

Golden Tickets are Worth Their Weight in Paper

My brother Shaun decided to audition for American Idol this year. He auditioned way out in South Carolina for some strange reason, and was talented and lucky enough to make it to Hollywood Week. As great as that was, I could tell he was a little disappointed that when he got his “Golden Ticket”, nobody filmed his screaming tantrum as he ran out the judges’ door and tackled Ryan Seacrest with tears running down his face, yelling that he was on TV. A little ironic don’t you think, Shaun?

Hollywood Week aired yesterday, and while his few minutes of fame were overshadowed by Simon’s repeated and inappropriate comments about how handsome Shaun was, he did make it through all the cuts along with only 50 other potential rock/pop superstars - one of whom had a terrible audition, but maybe because he was living in his beat up Chevy and had no friends, they let him through.

At this point Shaun was feeling pretty good about his chances, although he had a few doubts when the three singers after him got “a million percent yes!” votes from Paula and he only got “one hundred percent yes.” How disappointing to only get a hundred percent.

For those of you out there who have been following the back story American Idol did on him during audition week as well as the follow-up story during Hollywood Week (see non-existent footage for more details), you’ll be sad to know that his hopes for American Idol fame came to a humiliating and depressing end as the judges forced him to wear a brown bag over his head and exit the premises. WARNING: SHAMELESS PLUG - Rather than dwell on the embarrassment I will undoubtedly face for having a brother that only made it to the top 50 on American Idol, I decided to listen to some music Shaun recently released. I found it to be much more enjoyable than most albums that have resulted from American Idol. Buy it at http://cdbaby.com/cd/barrowes5. If you want a hard copy of the CD, that will release in the near future.

Speaking of Great Cars

I recently bought a new car and now I'm falling in love all over again. My new model is younger, sexier, and brings more to the table than my previous model. But as wonderful as she is, she wasn't able to keep me from lusting after a sweet car parked in front of my house. Not only was it stylish and roomy, it was one fast car. I could tell because of the spoiler on the back and the custom rims. Man, what a sweet ride.

Better To Have Loved And Lost...

When I graduated from college and got my first real full-time job, I bought a great car. This car was with me for many years, through a lot of good times and bad times.

About three months ago a teenage girl was driving while text messaging on her phone and smashed her car into my parked car, totaling it. (God rest its soul). After saying my last goodbyes to my fallen friend and watching with tears in my eyes as it was towed away to its final resting place, I couldn’t help but think that I needed a girl as great as my car. She rarely asked for money (It was a 'she'). She never got jealous when another car caught my eye. And finally, when she died, she left me money to go find someone else. What I wouldn’t give to find a girl like that.

Love Boat

This past week I went on my first-ever cruise with a group of 300 Mormon singles to the Virgin Islands. Things I learned / observed:

1. Having lots of gas isn't always bad - On the way to the airport my ride ran out of gas for the first time in his life (or so he says). We still made our flight, but it definitely made the car ride to the airport more exciting.
   
2. Wet blankets don’t always spoil a party – I did a Bioluminescent Kayaking excursion in Puerto Rico. We were supposed to see the lake light up with little glowing plankton, but thanks to the full moon and recent rain you couldn’t see anything. However, the tour guides were kind enough to cover us up with large, wet tarps that allowed us to see the glowing plankton if we stuck our hand in the shark-infested water. The tour guides also told me to stop calling it shark-infested water.
3. Everything can be fun – According to the Cruise director, everything we do on a cruise is fun. The fun shows, the fun days at sea, the fun buffets, the fun drunk people, etc… I think I even had fun while I was sleeping.
4. Working out is overrated – I only worked out once all week, and I still had just as much success with the ladies as I always do.
5. Chili cheese fries are delicious, even when you have them every day
6. Monica Lewinsky is an ass – My friend Sara paid $2 in St. Thomas to sit on a donkey named Monica Lewinsky. We all got a picture with her. It was a special moment for all of us.
7. Not everyone should cut a rug – Sometimes the music just moves me and I have no choice, but I really should resist the urge to step onto the dance floor. I look like a clown with big shoes and an oversized diaper. I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m sure you’d understand if you saw me try to dance.
8. Ten-year olds have got nothin’ on me – Much like a ten year old, I still have a tendency to tell and laugh at poop jokes, repeat the same things over and over to annoy people, and take ridiculous pictures both with my camera and with any random stranger’s camera that happened to be left unattended. But unlike a ten year old, I’m tall enough to ride the water slide and I can steal their ice cream cone if I want.
9. “No Child Left Behind” doesn’t apply on a cruise – I went 4-wheeling around the island of St. Maarten with a group of people from the cruise. My ATV got me back to the cruise ship in time, but four of my cruise buddies almost missed the cruise ship because their 4-wheeler broke down on the other end of the island. I was so nervous for them that I had the waiter bring me seconds of my breaded chicken, potato salad, and strawberry cheesecake with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
10. It doesn’t pay to fake it – I decided to fake bake for the first time in my life so that when I got onto my cruise ship I wouldn’t fry. Mission accomplished! The only bad news was that I burned twice using the tanning bed before the trip ever started, which meant that I had to admit to people that I was using a tanning bed. And on a completely unrelated note, I’d like to thank the guy at the front desk of the tanning salon who decided how long to bake me each time. Maybe next time I do that I should go to a salon that isn’t called “Tan”.
11. Not everyone looks good in a suit – I learned that some people don’t need alcohol to put their birthday suit on and streak across the main deck - to the horror and amazement of the unsuspecting victims.
12. Nothing says America like John Denver – On the last day of our cruise, the crewmembers sang a heartwarming rendition of “Leaving On a Cruise Ship” to the tune of “Leaving on a Jet Plane”. While they were singing it, one of the crewmembers dressed up as the Statue of Liberty, which totally makes sense.
13. Hulk need food and sleep or he smash things – On the final day of the cruise, me and my cabinmates woke up late while everyone else was disembarking. One cabinmate thought that if we didn’t get off in time we might go to prison. While I didn’t completely buy into that theory, I did hurry off the ship without eating breakfast. The rest of the day was a little fuzzy, but I think at some point I bit someone’s hand, yelled at an old lady, and ate part of a plastic bag. The details are a little hazy.
14. Chicks dig a guy with a great personality – I saw this guy with a great personality get a lot of chicks. It was quite a sight.
15. I'm not a butterfly - One of the guys on the ship told me to select the girls I liked and then "cocoon" them. I don't really know what that means but it sounds awesome.
    
16. The party never ends – Almost a week later, I still feel like I’m rocking back and forth. I actually fell into someone at work a few days ago. They just thought I was retarded, even after I explained that I still had sealegs.
17. Love is easy to find – I definitely found love on this trip. I fell in love with non-stop buffets, people who can throw down a mean karaoke song, and being lazy. Because of this I can definitely call this trip a success.
    

Still Waiting Room

The other day I went to a clinic to get blood drawn as a follow up to my recent brain surgery. It reminded me once again why I don’t like medical clinic waiting rooms. Other than the lady yelling for her hepatitis test, I don’t know what any of these people have. I’d like to say that I don’t want to know, but truthfully I feel it would be in my best interest to know so I can steer clear of any contaminated and potentially hazardous subjects.

Just to make sure nobody is comfortable, the room is too small to fit everyone. Every seat is taken and there are people standing in any and all remaining space. So while I patiently wait for my turn, I’ve got people breathing on me in front of my seat and a woman to my left who is coughing up a lung. After an hour of waiting, I’m tempted to pick up a magazine but the last person to read it had a weird rash on his hand. The good news is that by the time I get sick from one of these people, I’ll already have a doctors appointment scheduled to go over my lab results.

The Airport is No Place for Dignity or Self-Respect

When I’m at the airport and I see a person sprint passed me with their luggage, my first thought is to how ridiculous that person looks. I’m almost embarrassed for them. Yesterday I got to step into their shoes.

When I arrived at the airport, I knew I was early for my flight. I causally strolled to the kiosk to print out my ticket, opening doors for people on my way and acting like I didn’t have a care in the world. The kiosk didn’t pull my ticket up, so I waited patiently in line and finally spoke with the representative at the desk. She verified my flight information and then kindly notified me that I had showed up to the wrong airport.

The next hour was kind of a blur. I remember something about sprinting to my car with no regard for people in my way, driving in super slow traffic, cutting in line at the new airport, and scampering around from check-in to security and back over and over again with some Chinese guy to get on the flight. After running in circles and ringing the buzzer at the desk for at least the fifth time (since everyone at check-in had already left for the gate), a representative from another airline finally told me to stop ringing the buzzer because it was annoying the people around me. It finally sank in that I had missed my flight, and I became composed and relaxed once again. I rescheduled my flight and headed for the exit.As I was leaving the airport to go home, I saw some guy dashing in to catch his flight with no regard for his appearance or for the concept of lines since he obviously had no problem cutting in front of other people. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. What an idiot.

Flying the Smelly Skies

When I fly, I always try to get an aisle seat. It keeps me from feeling claustrophobic, allows me to stretch my leg into the aisle, and also enables me to get up and use the restroom without having to wake anyone up.

Over Memorial Day weekend, I visited some friends in Austin. During the flight that took me from Orange County airport to Dallas (a 3-hour flight), I chose the final remaining aisle seat, since all the others available seating options were middle seats and I figured that the aisle would still be better even though it was the very back row. It turns out that having a seat in the bathroom would have been better. Throughout the flight, people were lined up to use the bathroom situated right behind my seat. Not only did I have someone’s butt hanging over my seat the majority of the time, I got a delightfully potent whiff every time someone finished using the commode and opened the door. By the time I landed I felt like I needed a shower.

(repost from May 15, 2007)

Hooray for Nudity

Today at the gym I had just finished working out my chicken legs and entered the men's locker room/bathroom to wash my hands and weigh myself on the scale, as I do at the end of every workout. As I entered the bathroom, I couldn't help but notice a naked obstruction in my pathway to the sink. Not only was this obstacle in my way, he was standing very confidently in front of the mirror combing his hair, apparently very comfortable with his nudeness. In order to make it all the way to the sink, I had to go way out of the way so as to not accidentally brush up against him. Eventually I was able to reach my destination unscathed, but it was still very traumatic.

I understand that it is a men's locker room, and as such it is necessary for people from time to time to change clothes. However, when I have to get naked in a locker room, I am very aware of my nudeness the whole time. It's take the shorts off, grab the new pair, and put the new pair on as quick as possible. I sometimes try to set records in my head to see how fast I can do it. So I just don't understand these guys that take off all of their clothes and then read the paper, comb their hair, talk on their cellphone, or do ANYTHING besides changing.

(repost from May 27, 2007)

Superman to the Rescue

Yesterday the fire alarm in our building went off, so we all marched down the steps and out into the front outside area of the building. I was walking next to a girl that I work with. Once outside, the girl I was with was caught her high heels on a step and started to tumble. I, being in the best position to catch her, heroically reached out my arms to stop her from falling. In the split second that followed, I noticed that my arms were positioned just right to grab her chest. Without thinking, I instinctively pulled my hands back. I ended up grabbing part of her arm as she sprawled awkwardly to the concrete below. Her knee started bleeding, so I bravely ran into the building with sirens blazing all around me to get some paper towels and a band-aid to stop the bleeding. She thanked me later for the band-aid. Another victory for this superhero!

(repost from May 31, 2007)

Bore-aholics Anonymous

The other day I happened upon a conversation between two women discussing the new books they were reading. One of them was reading a book called 'Maneater', which is an exciting tale of a woman who wants to marry a rich guy so she can have all the money in the world, but is conflicted because she has been caught up in the business world trying to work her way to the top which doesn’t allow her enough time to date and have a social life. As my eyes began to glaze over I determined that that had to be the most painfully dull book ever written. There was no way any book could possibly be worse.

Apparently I was wrong.


It turns out these women had just finished a series of books called the 'Shopaholic' series. It's not one book, but a series of books about a woman who justifies all the shopping she does and the purchases she makes. For me, just the thought of going shopping sends painful shocks through my system. The only thing I can possibly think of that could be worse is reading a book about someone else who is going shopping. I'll be picking this book up next week.

(repost)

The Home Stretch

This week I should be heading back to California. That means I've been in Utah for just over a month. Sitting around for this amount of time gives a person a lot of time to think. Unfortunately for me, I spent most of that time watching tv and updating this blog. During the few moments I did spend thinking about things, I made the decision that my life would be better spent at home doing nothing rather than working at a 9 to 5 job. It can be hard at times and definitely isn't for everyone, but I think I could do it.

Regarding my health, I'm doing better every day. I'm still not allowed to pick up anything heavier than a plate of food and I'm not allowed to exercise. It's pretty great since I have other people to do the heavy lifting for me, although watching my mom change a tire as I stood by was tough - mostly because while she was dilly dallying with the jack and the tire, my milkshake was still too thick to drink through the straw. I had to use a spoon! It was one of the toughest things I did all day.

Still Here and Loving It

I know it has been a few days since my last post. I guess there just hasn't been that much to say. I'm still living with my parents. Yesterday I had to yell at my mom because she fixed my sandwich with turkey instead of ham. I'm sure you can understand.

Today is the first day that I am not taking any pain pills, so it's a little miserable, but I'll get through it. My last doctor appointment is this Friday, and I'm free to go back to California any time after that as long as I'm feeling up to it.

Later,
Logan

Exclusive USC Club

A few days ago my boss gave me a USC hat, which I'm sure he gave me as a way to officially make me an honorary USC fan. So it is with great pride that I dawned the USC hat as I watched them pummel Washington State. They almost looked as good as BYU.

Things have been going pretty well lately. I'm still addicted to delicious painkillers, mostly because they have been keeping the headaches to a minimum. I've been receiving some great letters, packages, etc... which I greatly appreciate. They are usually the highlight of my day... well, that and my walks around the block and errands I run with my mother to get out of the house. I included a posed picture of me on the couch where I spend most of my time. I figured it would be good for you all to see what I'm doing with my valuable time.

It's good to hear from everyone.

Logan

P.S. Go Cougs

Fashion Statement

Not a whole lot to say today. I've been on a couple walks and I've been eating big boy food. The big news of the week so far has been the handicapped parking sticker I picked up. Now I get handicapped parking until March. No complaints here.

My fashion consultants from work helped me to select a hairstyle they said would be a total ladykiller. They've never been wrong before, so I went for it. Here is my new look:
I wish there was more cool stuff to say. For now this will have to do.

Logan

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

Hey everyone! I guess it has been a little while since I have posted on this. I'm now back in the comforts of my own home and my meningitis is finally going away. Hopefully it stays gone, because to be honest it hasn't been all that fun. At least they gave me more steroids. I've been working out like crazy so I can bulk up before I return to HB. Okay, maybe not, but when I get back you are all still welcome to tell me I look super buff from the steroids.

I had a Spinal Tap the other day, which to be honest probably hurt more than the actual brain surgery. I've been learning that a doctor won't tell you that you will experience pain because that is a negative buzzword. But when a doctor says you might feel some pressure, that is really the same thing. Basically they make you pull down your pants and they stick a huge needle into your lower spine. Needless to say, I'm glad that is over.

I'm starting to feel better, and the support everyone has shown me by posting on the blog, making dinner, calling to see how I'm doing, and through care packages, which by the way have been awesome. It's all been very overwhelming.

Anyway, so now I begin to really recover and I'm hoping in a week or two I will be able to start functioning a little more normally in society (or at least as normally as I ever could).

Thanks again everyone,
Logan

Simple Pleasures

Not too difficult to make Logan happy. Appreciates those little things like:
*trip to doctors office to get staples out
*trip to DMV for temporary handicap tag
*visiting with people in waiting rooms
*being sympathetically ushered to the front of the line (the scar gets great attention)
*walking around/not being in bed all day
*taking a shower by himself
*watching recorded football games (BYU/UCLA; BYU/Tulsa)
*acting retarded and having people believe it
*getting fun packages and cards in the mail
*receiving visitors
*not having a headache all of the time
Pretty soon, he'll be able to keep up this blog by himself...
In the mean time, he has thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Home Again!

Big day today...Responded so well to medications in ICU, that Dr. Reichman released him at about noon today. Took some naps, and then was amazingly up for big family birthday celebration for Blake, Venna's husband, here at home. Refreshing to see him adding Logan-humor and singing fragments of songs as applicable. Now he's pretty exhausted. Tomorrow the staples come out. Good things are happening. Thanks to all of you for your concern.

Two Steps forward, One step back - Not Down or Discouraged

Doesn't like ICU. Too many rules. Too many needles and tubes. Too many nosy questions. Too little privacy. Too much bad-tasting broth. No escape. Will be glad to move from ICU and into a room today. Doctor says he should be home by Monday. Sorry no pictures lately; I've been busy running him in a hurry to the hospital. Hair is about an eighth of an inch long.

Back to ER and ICU

Fever, stiffness, and pain led us back to the ER. After a painful spinal tap, Logan is back in ICU. Quite sure that after the antibiotic treatments he will be back on the fourth floor (neurosurgery ward) for awhile. They may let him do the IV antibiotics twice a day travelling from home. Still in good spirits...asked for his cell phone so that he could check messages (laptop is too cumbersome in ICU). Still such a social guy. Anyway, this sure explains why he has been so uncomfortable. The actual surgery shouldn't cause this tough a recovery. He insists that everything is just fine. He's a trooper.

Meningitis

Just found out from Uncle David (his neurologist) that pain is probably due to chemically induced meningitis...common with brain surgery. Logan was beginning to stiffen-up when he walked. Hard to move his head up and down. Anyway, it will pass, and at least explains the most prevalent pain. He'll do fine...still needs prayers. We send our love...

Resting at Home

Still in a great amount of pain. Looks forward to feeling well enough to keep this blog up on his own. In the mean time, you all mean the world to him. We've had plenty of time to determine what priorities are the most important in our lives right now. Logan's return to health is top on my list. My love to you all...Judy

Full of Gratitude

So grateful to see Logan sleeping peacefully here at home...So grateful that the many complications that could have been are not...So grateful that he has been blessed with so many people to love...So grateful that he will not need to take any medications after the healing process is over...So grateful that he has never lost faith, hope, or humor through this entire process...So incredibly grateful (Logan's mom)...

Day Eight - Going Home

Hard to believe that Logan is already eight days into recovery. Looks forward to different bed, sleeping on his stomach, healthier food, less interruptions in the middle of the night, better TV, and more hair. Will miss...uh...well, I guess he won't miss the hospital...even though they have been pretty good to him.

Logan and Doctor Reichman

This is Logan and his awesome doctor.

Day Seven -Tumor Definitely Benign!!!

Great news from the lab. However, blood levels not good enough and headaches not gone enough to warrant discharge from the hospital yet. Still Logan's prognosis is excellent. Getting sick and tired of being sick and tired, but still as positive as possible. Nurses and aids love him...He always calls them by name and is so appreciative of their care, that they love checking in on him.

Still Day 6 - Visit from Cheerful Patient with Matching Scar

Still not feeling his very best, but perked up a bit when a sweet lady (who had a similar surgery performed this week) came to visit to show how good she is now feeling. He is ready for the long road ahead and insists on taking his walks and moving forward, no matter how difficult it is. He loves your comments, jokes, and expressions of support and love. Thanks sooo much.

A Minor Setback - Day 6

In terrible pain again, and nothing seems to work. At least, after yesterday, he knows what a good day feels like. We'll see if he actually goes home today.

BYU Ward Carolers

Just a few minutes ago, BYU students came to lift Logan's spirits with beautiful hymn-singing. He loved it and sang along as best he could. It was great!

Oh All Right...The Shower Story

On day three, Logan was miserable and drowsy enough that he couldn't shower by himself. The doctor wanted his head gently scrubbed so that he could clearly see the incision. Anyway, the CNA (a girl), put on a raincoat and showered him. Enough said.

Day Five - Amazing Improvement

Red letter day! Asking for fewer pain meds. Talking up a storm. Taking a lot of walks. Shaved, showered, eating a bit more. Should be released tomorrow to go home to Spanish Fork for major recuperation. Oh, and great CT scan results.

Day Four - CT scan, Resting

Still a bit miserable, has gone from percocet to morphine. Still wants to take his walks and showers in spite of the pain. Bleeding has stopped. Always asks how I (Mom) am doing. CT scan today to see if everything is still healing well. Wants to enjoy the UCLA /BYU game, but the hospital doesn't get that channel.

Day Three - A Rough Day

Logan continues to keep up the great attitude in spite of nausea, constant pain, and bleeding from the incision. He still is determined to take his walks and asks about friends and family. Not much in his stomach today, and sleeping as much as possible to forget about the discomfort. He loves to hear from you. I read all of your comments to him. Thanks so much...

Day Two - Pretty as a Picture

Logan was relieved to move from ICU and "back home" into his pre-surgery room on the neuro-surgery ward. They saved room 497 for him, because it is the biggest room on the floor and has a nice sleeper-couch for Mom. The nurses on this ward are wonderful. One nurse carefully made him this "skull and crossbones" beanie cap to cover the bandages. Venna, Jenna, and Lanny took him for a walk through the halls...he doesn't want to lose his buff physique. His head is swelling quite a bit, and his left eye is blackening, but other than that, his smiling face is pretty as a picture.

Logan post surgery pic

Just trying to let him rest and keep him as comfortable as possible. He's feeling a lot of pain and headaches. Overall, things are going as planned, but they say this is the "hardest day" to get through.

News from Logan's Mom

I am sitting in Logan's ICU hospital room, so incredibly grateful for this optomistic outcome. He has already caused laughter among the nurses. When he was barely out of the recovery room and placed in ICU, the nurse was testing his cognitive abilities and asked where he was from. "New Zealand," he said. When he saw me for the first time, He said, "Mommy!!!" He actually has a monster headache and nausea, which can't be easily controlled at this point. And so the healing begins... He thrives on your love and prayers, and I love you all. I am overwhelmed by your support.

Update from Lanny

Good news!!!

12:15 PM Surgery Success!

Logan is out of surgery and the doc says it went extremely well. The tumor is completely out and it seems everything is looking good. He said the optic nerve was "squeezed" a little and might take some time to recover, but may very well heal from this. Logan came conscious for a bit, long enough to comment about how he had a bad haircut, and to tell the doctor he could see him holding up his fingers on the right side of his vision.

More updates as they come...

Update from Lanny

10:55 AM (all these times are MST) Tumor is out. Closing him up now.

Apparently the tumor is already out, which was faster than expected, which seems to be a very good thing. We're now waiting for the doctor to give us a more solid status update and explanation.

Update from Lanny

6:50 AM Logan went in to surgery, comforted by family and friends.

After a family prayer, Logan was wheeled off into surgery, still in good humor and keeping a smile.

The surgeon is noted to be one of the best there is. Apparently the tumor is wrapped around his optic nerve. They say that may make the surgery last a while, from 2 to 8 hours. The nurses are all very positive about the skill of the doctor and his staff. Hopes are high.

Out of Commission

I will be having surgery first thing tomorrow. My brother Lanny will be updating this blog while I'm out of commission. He will post the status of the surgery tomorrow as soon as he knows it. He and my mother will be answering my phone for the next few days, so if you need to reach them, you can still call my phone.

In case anyone is wondering, I will probably be at the hospital for 5 days after the surgery, and then will be recooperating at my parent's residence for the remainder of September. That address is
1202 South 1000 East
Spanish Fork, UT 84660

Big Day - Thanks to All

It's been a crazy weekend for me. Over the past few months, my eyesight has been fading, but I thought it was only that I needed glasses. On Friday and Saturday I realized it had to be more since I could no longer see well enough to drive. After an ER visit, a couple MRI's, and a trip to Utah, I'm going to have brain surgery tomorrow morning to remove a brain tumor. It still seems surreal to me, which is good because it hasn't really sunk in.

I can't even express how grateful I am for the love and support everyone has shown me. I am so lucky to have friends and family that will drop everything to come be at my side. I am very lucky.

I want everyone to know that I have full intentions of recovering 100% from this. I've had a church blessing to that effect, I've got a top notch doctor, and I've got more prayers than I can count. This is truly one of those times when faith is really tested, but I am actually not the least bit afraid. If things ended now (which they won't), I can honestly say that I would be ready to go and that I know exactly where I would be going. Maybe that is why I am completely calm. That is one of the reasons I love the church.

But again, I'm going to pull through this without any problems. I just want to again say thanks to everyone for their support. I look forward to speaking to you all soon.

If any of this doesn't seem to make sense, I blame it on the tumor, the fact that it is really late and I'm having surgery in a few hours, and the hospital food.

Nurse, cancel the rest of my patients

I finally got my MRI results and I figured that everyone would be interested in seeing what the tumor looks like. Apparently mine is a pretty unique situation. Rather than calling it a tumor "extraction" they call this a tumor "delivery". Depending on the difficulty they may even need to do a C-Section. If it is healthy I will name it Judy, after my mother.

Go Time

I'm not sure what I have gotten myself into, but it looks like there is no turning back now. I will be surgerized first thing manana. That means that I should be back to my regular daily routine by next week. All you ladies clear your schedules. Maybe we'll do lunch.

I'm not sure how long the surgery is supposed to be. The doctor says anywhere from 2 hrs to 8, so in other words he doesn't want to be pinned down.

Get a real job

So far there isn't too much news to report. I'm sitting in a hospital bed at Utah Valley Regional Hospital (1034 N 500 W, rm E497, Provo, UT 84604). I'll be here until I am surgerized, which will most likely be Wed or Thurs. The doc will let me know tomorrow morning (so I've been told). He's pretty confident that this will all work out just fine.

After looking at the antiquated MRI images I gave him from Irvine Regional Hospital, he decided to make me do another MRI scan so he could be more certain on how he should proceed. I told him not to waste his time and to just be grateful for what he had. I told him it's not like it is Rocket Science. Sheesh. After an awkward silence I decided to just let the baby win and so I did another MRI test. I guess after he chews on them tomorrow he'll be able to tell me more.

Brain Surgery for Dummies

As many of you know, I'm having surgery requiring doctors to crack my skull open like a walnut to look for candy or a tumor or some other random type of thing. So I figured this would be a good place to put updates on what is going on so that everyone can be in the loop. My mom and/or other family members will be updating this often. Feel free to post comments as I will be reading this from time to time during my recovery process and I would love to hear from all of you.

Doritos - Tasty and Fun

I love Doritos. Yum!